Funny Jokes

2010-08-21T19:43:00.000-07:00

"3 Wishes"

A man is walking on a beach when he finds and old lamp, he gives it a rub and out pops the genie.

"OK you set me free you have three wishes, but there is a stipulation, what ever you wish for your wife will get double."

What the genie doesn't know is this upsets the man as he is going through a bitter divorce. The man thinks and says "OK I'll have £1,000,000" "Done" says the genie "and your wife has £2,000,000, your second wish??" " I want a large mansion." Again the genie grants the wish and gives his wife a house twice as large. "And your final wish?" The man thought for a moment and said "I want you to scare me half to death!"

"Wife V Lion"

Two men are talking in the pub about thier forthcoming holidays. "I'm taking my wife on an African Safari." Said the first man, his friend asked "Isn't that a bit dangerous? What would you do if a ferocious Lion attacked her?" "Nothing!" Replied the first man. "What?? You wouldn't do anything?" "Nah." Said the first man "Let the stupid bloody lion fend for itself!"

"Long Marriage"

There once was a little old man and woman who had been married happily for 75 years. They never kept anything from each other. But, the little old woman had a box in her closet which she told her husband not to look at. He respected her wishes and thought nothing of it.

One day the little old woman got very sick and her husband was afraid she was going to pass on. So while she she was lying in bed he brought her the box she had in the closet. "I think it's time you tell me what this is about",he said to her. He opened the box and found two handmade doilies and $20,000.

The woman started to explain,"My grandmother had a long and happy marriage and before I got married she told me that the secret to a good marriage was to not get mad with your husband, She told me whenever I was mad I should just go and make a doily"

The husbands eyes filled with tears. In their long marriage of 75 years his wife had only been mad at him twice! "And what is the $20,000 for?",he asked. "Oh thats the money I got from selling the doilies"

In the box he also found a little piece of paper with a prayer on it. This is what it read:Lord, Give me the strength to love and care for others, Give me the strength to please them, And also Lord give me the strength to strangle my husband. Amen.

"The Randy Postman"

On coming home from the newsagents one sunday morning a man says to his wife, "I've just been told that the postman has slept with every woman in this street except one, can you believe that?" His wife replied "Yeah I bet it's that stuck up cow at number 32!"

"Morning Kiss"

A wife was having a go at her husband, "Look see that? Every morning when mr Jones goes to work he kisses his wife pationately before he leaves, why don't you do that?" The husband replied "Because I hardly even know the woman!"

"Water Bed"

A husband and wife were suffering from a stale love life, at the suggestion of their friend they bought a water bed to spice things up a bit, didn't work they just drifted further apart.

"The Husband And The Tramp"

A tramp asked a man for £2.The man said "Will you spend it on alcohol?" The tramp replied "No" "Will you spend it gambling?" "No" replied the tramp, the man stood and thought for a while. He said "Tell you what I'll give you £10 if you come home with me and show my wife what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble."

"Mrs Porter"

A new bride was a little bit embarrased on her honeymoon and didn't want the hotel to make a fuss over the newly weds, so on the way into the hotel she said "Honey can we not tell them we are on honeymoon, in fact can we make it appear we've been married a long time?" He replied "Sure you carry the suitcases up!"

"A Good Roast"

Two canibals are eating a meal together. "Your wife makes a relly good roast." "Yes" replied the second "but I must admit I'll miss her"

"Climactic Problem"

A woman goes to her doctor and says, "Doctor I think my husband has a problem, every time he climaxes he lets out an ear splitting scream." The doc replied "that's not a problem he obviously enjoys the intercourse with you." She replied "It certainly is a problem, he keeps waking me up!"

"Figure Of A Young Woman"

A middle aged woman is admiring her figure in the mirror when her husband walks in, "What are you looking at?" he said. She said "I'll have you know my gym instructor says I have the chest of a 23 year old woman." "Yeah? well what did he say about your 48 year old arsehole?" The woman replied "Oh he never mentioned you!"

"Birthday Surprize"

For Michael's birthday, his wife wanted to surprise him when he came home from work. After some careful consideration, she decided to strip naked and wrap herself in Saran wrap from her shoulders to her ankles.

Pretty soon Michael enters his house exhausted from a tough day at work. He walks through the kitchen, places his lunchbox down, and hears his wife say, "Honey! I'm in the living room."

Rounding the corner, Michael spots his wife all wrapped up in plastic. After a quick peek, he immediately remarks, "Leftovers again!"

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